The Sky never was the Limit...with God

Ramblings and reflections of one growing in stature and wisdom and in his walk with God :)

9:37 AM

Handling Failure

Etched by Isaac

I haven't had much practice so I'm not very good at this. =.=

But it's happened twice in the past six months or so. Sometimes I question myself, like today.

There were multiple factors as to why I failed but obviously I have to blame myself because that's the only factor that I'm in control of. I used to be a brilliant student (seriously), but what happened?

After about twelve hours of self-reflection (and ranting/complaining on various media and to friends), there's this realisation - I think it's a still small voice that gets louder - God, you have a funny sense of humour I know, sigh - that I lost the passion and motivation to study quite a while back. Why I lost it, I'm not so sure. Perhaps it was just that I was fed-up of the continuous push to study and study and study. Whole life need to memorise things. Medicine is no different - there are LOADS of things to be memorised, which is sad. Or perhaps I discovered that there's a lot more to life than reading stuff, which is good for me as a human being, but not so good to be academically good in medicine.

Other factors with myself include emotional instability due to various reasons, which have already been blogged about; laziness, which is not admirable; procrastination, which is not admirable either; lack of drive to pursue excellence - something which I used to have, which drove out laziness and procrastination. If I had the kind of drive that I had back in MBS, this MBBS would be a piece of cake. But I don't. Not anymore.

Actually, I do know (roughly) why I lost the passion to study and all that. It happened sometime back in IMU when I discovered quickly what being in the medical career entails - the nitty-gritty bits that arise when the whole industry is taken into consideration. Depressing thoughts about the future were never far from my mind, and this was quite clear when I was touched, twice, with laughter, in church - I needed to be less depressed. Over the December holidays, I was depressed too. Now am I depressed? I don't know.

There's always the lingering question: "So what if I study harder? Get better grades? Become a better doctor on paper? I'm just going to go back and join the system and get swallowed up in it for the next 35 years or so. How does this help?"

Sometimes, I listen to that voice in my head - it's a small, negative voice that sits there whispering its thoughts.

Sometimes, I ignore it.
Sometimes, I don't.

I'll be the first person to admit that the healthcare systems in general are not heading in a good direction, and the future, although with promising science breakthroughs, will be riddled with growing problems simply because Man has fallen, and hence, by nature, is going to self-predispose himself to problems.

I still ask myself at times, "Do I still want to do Medicine? Would I choose Medicine again if I had the choice? Are there alternatives to Medicine?"

There are no good concrete answers to my questions to myself. Sometimes I just ask myself why I bother at all. Apathy seems to be growing, which is not good, because it's a sign of becoming more jaded - typically seen in senior housemen and medical staff. I'm nowhere near that, and already am like this - not good.

But I still can't see myself doing anything other than Medicine and sometimes I feel like kicking myself because of that very same reason. Why submit myself to this kind of endless torture?

I don't know.

My take-home messages from today's extremely long CBD (one hour, instead of a 40-minute maximum) are:

- I need to be more organised when presenting.
- I need to know the disease inside out, from epidemiology to follow-up. Think eMedicine.
- I need to not have any conversation with the external examiner who's sitting in because apparently that's not professional.
- I need to aim for the level of a SHO/SpR when presenting a case.

Those are quite lofty goals for a third year medical student, but fine.

My observations in the UK are that Asians tend to be meaner to other Asians, probably simply because of their competitive nature. Whether I was the victim of that phenomenon today or not, I will never know. When I get to Heaven, I might ask God (if I can remember to do so).

How today's failure translates into changes in my life, I'm not too sure. Apart from having to stay in the UK until the end of summer because that's when the resits are, I think I'll try to get some of my motivation and drive back. Easier said than done, much much easier said than done.

The adage "You only appreciate something when it's gone" has never been clearer in my life.

I still find it really ironic that I failed the Paediatrics case, when I prepared so much more for it than the O&G case. Well, at least I didn't fail both cases (but I did come close to doing so, apparently).

Sigh.
Sometimes I feel like life is meaningless. This is one of those times.

Now to sleep.
And pray.

This is the verse for me: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters," - Colossians 3:23 (NIV)

3 opinions:

Alien Magician said...

it's ok...we're all in this together :) we're all human; we move with the tides - in and out.

keeping you and everyone else in prayer. God bless ya :)

Isaac said...

thanks Joash =) God bless you too! God is good. Hahaha. Always has been, always will be.

Alien Magician said...

amen to that :)