The Sky never was the Limit...with God

Ramblings and reflections of one growing in stature and wisdom and in his walk with God :)

7:02 AM

Spring CBD

Etched by Isaac

How do I put this?
There is no nice way to say that I failed both cases for my CBD despite taking a good two weeks of preparation beforehand.

I think the most upsetting thing is that I didn't feel upset about failing the CBDs. Or maybe I do now. I actually don't know. Part of me thinks things could have gone very differently under different circumstances. Part of me agrees now, that CBD assessments are very much examiner-dependent, but that is the way the system works. Part of me thinks maybe I'm not cut out to do this. But what I'm sure of is that this time, I really worked hard for the whole of 8 weeks of the rotation, including time on the wards and placement locations, and running the CBD cases by doctors beforehand, and it was all good. I think that's why I don't feel upset.

But it just wasn't what the assessors wanted.
I guess that this can go either of two ways - I am embittered and harbour resentment for life, or I take it as a learning experience, and remember to memorise ICD-10 criteria in the future. Definitely doing the latter.

But there was a mistake I made, and it was related to culture. The Asian culture of respecting one's teachers is deeply ingrained in me, and this is a disadvantage here as apparently we're supposed to challenge the views/opinions of the consultants because it shows that we're confident and ready to back up our decisions. Fair enough, I say. So I've been disadvantaged for being too nice. Great.

Things will be different for the next CBD - that is, if I'm allowed to sit for it. Seems that I'm currently leading the race for the most failed CBDs (three of five so far), and if I've passed the limit, I'll be in deep trouble.

Perhaps there's more to life than being bound by systems imposed on us by people.
Perhaps I'm dissociating from my feelings.
Perhaps I should actually go on a holiday, as suggested by the my programme coordinator (the logic of which I still don't get. Fail CBD = go on a holiday?)

The examiners were nice in the sense that they did their best to make it clear that they weren't saying I'm not good, that I don't know my stuff, just that I didn't do well enough this time, and that being medical students, we tend to be bad at failing things. Then they told me that they too failed stuff at medical school. I guess it was intended to be an encouragement (...and now I'm a consultant, so don't worry too much about it). A nice consolation was that they think my notes are beautiful.

What do I think God says? I think He says I should trust Him; that things may seem bad, but He's in control. Honestly, I wouldn't be here right now if not for God, which is why I'm not super worried. Seems that yesterday, my housemates were more upset about my failing the CBDs than I was myself, which was interesting. Mostly, they were thinking about how they'd feel if it happened to them. I don't blame them - it's a scary thought. I don't expect anything from them either. I did wonder whether I should have kept it to myself. Ah well.

So, does failure despite much effort towards not failing depress me? I feel annoyed, but besides that, not really. At this point, I'm just going to go for paeds resit in summer anyway, so calendar-wise, it's not much difference. However, there cannot be anymore CBD failure I think, if I don't want to repeat the year.

So, next week is the only week off before the final exam. What do I do? Honestly, I don't really know. All I know is that I have to write two essays (one SSC and one SBM), prepare a SSC poster, and read up for Medicine before the final rotation starts. Oh, and do questions and complete the drug formulary (60% done now yay). Pentatonix on Thursday =D

--I honestly just wanted to pass my CBD, and really thought I prepared well. I guess I thought wrong--


4 opinions:

Alien Magician said...

*hug*

glad to hear you're dealing ok with it.

there's nothing Much to be said that you haven't thought of already, so just dropping in to give more love :)

Isaac said...

thanks Joash. =)
working more now :D

Alien Magician said...

that's good to hear :D

Isaac said...

woohoo essay done! :D