The Sky never was the Limit...with God

Ramblings and reflections of one growing in stature and wisdom and in his walk with God :)

11:01 AM

Today was a Day

Etched by Isaac

Today I choose to blog about my dinner, like, today's dinner. Of all the interesting things I could choose to blog about at 2:08 in the morning, I have happened to choose to blog about dinner. There are just so many things I could be doing right now, like sleeping, for instance, but noooo my scumbag brain has chosen to come to this blog, tweak stuff, and now it's 2:08. I was supposed to start at 1 am but I ended up cleaning up some of the blog links and moving stuff around in the layout template. Brushed my teeth, and then decided to blog instead of sleep. Wise choices in life, huh?

Food seems to be life here in the UK.
My life revolves around planning for the food that I will buy, cook, photograph, eat, and then talk about in the future.

Today's dinner was particularly memorable because of a few things:

(1) It was a somewhat team effort in the flat, which is always welcome. =)
(2) Couscous is awesome. (thank you David for the recipe!)
(3) Tau eu bak is awesome.
(4) Kyle and his girlfriend broke up, and we were all kinda in shock. (ps Kyle you know we were)
(5) It felt like Christmas again. Yes, thank you Timster for my Christmas experience.
(6) I bought alcohol. Like, this is not normal. Aldi's version of Bailey's. On sale!
(7) In my head, I was still fighting with myself for feeling feelings I shouldn't feel. 

Dinner was good in all senses, of course. Food helps numb feelings, albeit temporarily. But, it helps. And that, my friend, is the most important thing - support in times of need. And after the food, we had ice cream and Irish cream liqueur, which was really nice. A treat, for trying times. When temperatures go down, moods dip in tandem. Food helps counteract the forces.

-- Dinner on the stove! --

-- Dessert in a picture. Thank you Chris for the ice cream =D --
--  Another shot of the alcoholic ice cream float. --

I have spent roughly £30 on alcohol since I started Year 3. Considering that that's mostly white wine for cooking, and I am in the land of cheap/good alcohol, that's quite an achievement. Not that I really drink anyway, haha.

Going through most of the links on my blog, I've realised, again, that most people have stopped blogging. I'm actually not surprised - the trend is in keeping with the shortening attention span of the general public - people just don't like reading or writing lengthy passages of text anymore. Also, most bloggers stop because they lose purpose, especially if they started off because everyone else was doing so. Following the crowd, I guess. Once again, I realise that my blog survives because well, I blog for myself - to share with future me what past me was thinking when he was current me. My Facebook account serves a totally different purpose - more information-dispensing and photo-sharing and somewhat networking than this blog. In other words, my Facebook is to share content and thoughts with others, whereas my blog is to share thoughts with myself.

I think eventually I'll remove all the links to non-updated blogs. Just not today. I've already reshuffled stuff and somewhat updated my profile today. I think the "Featured Post" widget thingy is quite useful to highlight stuff, especially for my blog's layout. So much linear scrolling involved.

Let's expand this blog post to include more than just dinner.

Today I spent about 80 minutes travelling for an IRP meeting which lasted like 20 minutes. Not that I'm complaining about the length of the meeting - I'm all for shorter meetings. But the travel time looks silly in comparison. Speaking of the IRP, I really need to work more on it. I need to start working on everything I've not been working on, which is related to this medical degree, which includes like everything, because I've been working on nothing. Such is the sad truth of today. I am doing everything I can to not do my work simply because I don't want to do the work. What happened, Isaac? Where art thou, motivation? Thou hast flown away. Blessed, I am, for still being here and surviving, by God's grace. I would've failed a long time ago, had I not been this blessed. However, being aware of this blessing puts me in a bad position to be ignorant and unthankful; I should really really get started on everything a medical student in my position should be doing - studying, revising, practising, looking things up, memorising, and fitting in.

Year 4 so far has been amazingly relaxing compared to Year 3. Of course, part of me tells me that I should be working hard and also preparing for Year 5, because now's the calm before the storm. The other part tells me that there's never going to be a break once I start working, so it's a good idea to actually enjoy myself now. Being stuck in between is a tough spot because I seem to be unable to either work, or actually enjoy myself. Argh. I know that complaining about it is of no help either - I just feel better if I rant stuff out, either to myself or others (thank you my kind friends, I am sorry for the extra burden. But thank you.)

Most people back home will never understand if someone like me who is super privileged to be able to study overseas says that it ain't that great being overseas, and maybe, just maybe, it would be better to be studying back home. But I honestly think that the cost-benefit analysis for sending a medical student over to the UK to study and then come back to Malaysia to work, is not very good. For one, the systems are totally different. Also, there's the whole process of adapting to a whole new culture and society, and then once you've somewhat adapted, taadaa, you've gotta re-adapt to the culture back home. Reverse culture shock much. I can't deny that the main benefit of being here is that I'm exposed to a different culture and a different healthcare system, and that this experience is what makes it worth being here and undergoing all this stress and stuff. Guess I have to be thankful for having this opportunity to be here - and I actually am, don't get me wrong. I thank God every single day for the chance to be here even if it means freezing my toes off and shivering just to go buy a loaf of bread (which btw is not as nice as Gardenia, just saying). I just really don't think it's an economically sound decision at times, especially when the ringgit isn't doing well against the pound. Every time I look at that price tag, I automatically convert it into ringgit (which now is like x6.4 ish) although I know I shouldn't. I am very sure that, for the local environment, the local medical trainees will fare better than the foreign-trained ones. I will need more time to re-adapt once I'm back; my elective experience has proved that for me. But as a UK medical graduate, I'll be more attuned to the ''soft-skill" side of things, like empathy, political correctness, and communication skills. Science and fact-wise, confirmed definitely 100% IMU Seremban graduates trump people like me here.

Is the grass actually greener on the other side? I think it takes some amount of being on "the other side" to realise that the phrase applies the same way no matter which side of the grass you're on. There are definite pros and cons to being on each side of the grass, and what matters at the end of the day is where your support system is, and where God has called you to be.

Some days I feel the burden of the nation on my shoulders.
Other days all I want to do is to stay in my room and go through photographs.
And some days I cook and eat and grow fat, and feed others so they can share the happiness and fats too, yay.

-- A 1.56 boneless turkey leg I roasted and kinda had to finish over three meals last month. --
(yes it was delicious and I enjoyed every shred of meat. 10/10 would definitely do it again.)

There are a few aspects of myself which I have noticed have improved since I started off in the UK. Definitely, my cooking skills have blossomed - I used to be an almost non-cooking person, and now here I am, able to cook stuff that actually makes me (and others, yay!) happy. Christmas dinner in London was a good success, with three roasted chickens, and a kilogramme of harissa couscous amidst other food, for 13 people. Have to seriously thank Esther and Tim for the organisation and coordination and other cooking too. It was good fun. Besides that, I think I've become a bit more resilient, and open to criticism, especially after failing the CbDs last year. My photography has improved as it's the only thing besides cooking that I practice everyday. Also, I think that I've become a lot more relaxed than before - I definitely don't get as stressed out over academic stuff anymore (whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know actually). Last but not least, I have learnt to rely on God a lot more than before. Being away from home and family has helped speed that process up a bit - I guess I'm growing up more, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Being roasted in the oven to perfection, I guess. Hahahahaha.

Today I also learnt that I am a possessive person. Not in a good way. But I am learning to control it, and not let the green-eyed monster that is jealousy overcome my logical self and self-control. Feelings that I have no right to feel, I felt, today. And I apologised for them. Apologised for feeling feelings. I don't know la. I just know I shouldn't feel how I feel, but then again, I'd be lying to myself if I told myself I wasn't feeling that way. Basically, I shouldn't feel jealous if I'm not together with her, right? But I was, and kinda upset for my emotions betraying me. What to do, I'm a human being with emotions, not a robot. Sometimes I'd rather be a robot. But life is a lot more interesting with emotions. Although the journey is long, and the waiting may be in vain, I can say that I have been of help, and support, in times of need. It is possible that I'm being used by God to support her, which I'm actually okay with doing. What scares me, is myself - that I don't know how I will be, in the future, if all this doesn't work out. Although I can tell myself now that I really, really, shouldn't place any expectations for the future, I can't predict my future self's reactions. I pray that everything will be alright. It will be, won't it? =) Honestly, it's selfish of me to think about my own feelings when what she has to go through is way more difficult. Note to future self: be more selfless, okay?

It is 2:55am now. The temperature is 3 degrees Celsius. I am starting to feel cold. Most of what I have to say to myself has now been said. I guess it is a good time to go to sleep. There's GP lectures tomorrow and possibly badminton in the evening. Should be good to get some exercise. I'm also doing another grocery run tomorrow. I am an aunty in the making, comparing prices and doing grocery shopping to cook for the house. I will make a good househusband hurrah. I don't make much sense right now. Brain is somewhat scrambled. Something about people being their weakest at 3am, but that's also when our sense of taste is the most heightened. Hmmmmm. On my table sits one of the two gifts that will travel the 13 hour flight back to Malaysia. Dear God, one day hopefully I will get an answer to why I'm doing all this. Right now, it's probably because I love this girl. But in the future, maybe I'll have a more detailed answer. Hopefully it won't have me smacking my forehead in disgust at my own stupidity.

Here's to more thoughts and more rambling in the future.
Also, I must update about the Rome roaming with David and the Christmas + New Year in London.
And the food I've been doing.
And the everything.

And goodnight. =)

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